Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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