I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
