i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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