hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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