my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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