No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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