Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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