Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
