Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
