I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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