im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
