Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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