Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
