And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
