Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
