You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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