when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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