He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
please come you make the beer taste better
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
the liver wants what the liver wants
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
