i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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