Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
