OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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