So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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