I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
