finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
