i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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