Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
