my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
