I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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