Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
