wakey wakey hands off snakey
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
