yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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