also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
