That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
