I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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