wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
