am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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