i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
