We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize