when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
