Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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