My boss' voice literally gives me gas
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
