Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
