if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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