hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
