would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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