He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
It was a blind-side dick pic.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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