I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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