He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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