I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
