I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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