I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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