Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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