she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
