I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
