I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize