im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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