Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
im calling her cock vulture from now on
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
