There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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