I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
don't judge my taste in strippers
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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