I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
