So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
