i think my tv is drunk
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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